For a large part of the semester, I avoided thinking about my thesis. I was busy with other university projects, workshops, and deadlines, and it was easy to focus on tasks that had clear expectations and immediate outcomes. These projects gave me structure. I knew what to do, how to do it, and when it needed to be finished. The thesis, in contrast, felt abstract and undefined. There was no immediate urgency, no fixed form, and no clear starting point.
Because of this, I kept postponing it. I told myself that I would start once I had more time, or once other projects were finished. I convinced myself that I needed the right moment to begin, even though that moment never really arrived.
Looking back, I realise this is a pattern I have experienced before. When something feels important but uncertain, I tend to avoid it. Not because I am not interested, but because the openness of it feels overwhelming. The thesis carried a different kind of weight compared to other projects. It felt more permanent, more personal, and more significant. This made it harder to approach.
At the same time, I now understand that avoidance did not mean the thesis was absent from my thinking. Even when I wasn’t actively working on it, I was still encountering ideas that influenced it. Lectures, conversations, exhibitions, and books all became part of my research indirectly. I just didn’t recognise it as such at the time.
Avoidance created the illusion that I was delaying the process, but in reality, the process was already happening in the background. My interests were forming gradually, even without conscious effort.
Reflecting on this made me realise that research is not a purely linear or controlled process. It includes phases of uncertainty, hesitation and distance. These phases are not necessarily unproductive. They allow ideas to develop more naturally, without forcing premature decisions.
Recognising my avoidance was an important turning point. It made me more aware of the emotional and psychological dimensions of research. The difficulty was not only about finding a topic, but about allowing myself to engage with something that didn’t yet have clear boundaries. Understanding this helped me approach my thesis with more patience.
