Well, this project has turned out to be much more of a lesson in setting boundaries for myself and being honest about my intentions than I thought.
As is often the case in the creative industry, plans have changed, things have come up and let‘s just say luck also hasn‘t been on my side. The event I wanted to film has been moved a few times and unfortunately all of the dates which worked for the organizers were ones that didn‘t work for me. Also throw in some miscommunication and you can see how I ended up here, almost at the end of the semester with nothing filmed for my project yet and no possibility in sight to do so.
However, here comes the adapt and improvise part; I found a person to interview instead who has lived in a car-free settlement in Vienna for 20 years now. It‘s going to be a shorter and less extensive video than initially planned, but hopefully I‘ll still be able to hand something in I‘m somewhat satisfied with. I feel like my own expectations for the project were slightly different, but I have also adapted them fairly quickly to the new circumstances.
So far, so good. I‘m not doing to bad with the adapting and improvising.
However, one thing I have realised throughout this process is that often times my adapting comes in the form of bending over backwards and harming myself in the fear of disappointing others. While my own expectations are quite flexible and readjusting constantly, what I really struggle with are the expectations of others.
In this case for example, I feel horrible for not managing to film at any of the planned events, even though I told the organisers I would. My head keeps telling me that I let these people down and that they are surely mad at me, even though, when looking at it rationally, I don‘t really owe them anything. I would have just collaborated with them, leading to a semester project for me and a nice video for them, talking about their cause. They have not had to go to great lengths to accommodate me, they are not losing any money because of me, I do not have a binding contract with them. So why do I feel like I disappointed them? I also feel like I let everyone down who I ever told about the project and that they‘re all going to be disappointed in me too.
Don‘t get me wrong, rationally I know that none of these things make sense, I know that people probably don‘t care as much about my shortcomings as I think they do.
Nonetheless I have this underlying desire to live up to everyone‘s expectations, to give everyone the version of myself they want to see and throughout the process I lose the version of myself who knows what I even want.
One thing I have realized with this project is that I should listen to what my gut tells me. I have turned down opportunities to still film one of the events, simply because it felt too stressful for me and would have been a logistic nightmare. It wouldn‘t have been impossible, though. And I have realized that this is the point where I really struggle; as long as something would be somehow physically possible and would probably not kill me, I feel horrible for not doing it if it means letting somebody else down. I then come up with excuses I can tell myself and others for why it would in fact not be possible at all.
But the whole time I know they are just excuses and that I could somehow manage to do it if I really wanted to, and I think everyone else knows that, too. So in the end I just feel ten times worse than if I had just been honest with myself from the beginning about my reasons for not doing something.
Maybe being stressed out and overwhelmed by something sometimes is a valid reason. Maybe setting boundaries is okay. Maybe putting my own well-being first is completely valid. And maybe, just maybe, others would also appreciate it if I was just upfront about my reasons without hiding behind excuses.
So, in a nutshell; I worry too much about letting others down and too little about what I need, I get myself into uncomfortable situations through my inability to say no, and I have to learn that constantly pleasing everyone is just not an option.
